A Decision Made for Me

Source: flickr.com via @iz.mendoza

So it happened. On Monday, I was called into a room by my new (old) boss. There waiting for us was the dreaded HR lady. This could only have meant a single thing and I really couldn’t suppress my joy (gilt, of course by that pang about having to find a job). She started, “First, some bad news.” It was probably a line she’d used a number of times and me, I’m thinking, you are an utterly useless person who makes no real contribution to the company. I think I grinned, smugly, with my eyes.

As she continued on with her spiel (something about them not being able to find an equivalent job meaning that my role was redundant) I just tried to focus on putting on my cat face. I had thought days before about how I would react if I would be dragged into a room and the script read before me. I figured the best way would be to put on my cat face – unemotional, yet curious and in control. Through it all, I was just thinking, how much money?

I didn’t care what she said because I was out and really, I wanted to manage my emotions. The decision to leave had been made for me and the trip through the roiling emotions would be something I’d have to deal with. During the moment, I was happy and glad this happened.

So now, I’m starting from zero. Such joy!


On Progress… Or Lack Thereof

Source: flickr.com via @bound_4_freedom

I’m going through phases. Some up, some down. Some angry, some calculating. And today, it’s a little bit self-berating. Because when I think of my career, logging the progress (or lack thereof) that I know I’ll have to recount when that CV has to be rewritten, I think about a distinct lack of forethought or aptitude for self-promotion and progression. Yes, I think about the moment but not the next steps after that. It’s almost academic in application; more about understanding rather than about getting ahead. And here’s where I feel bad. A couple of decades of programming… will it really change?


The Window Seat

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I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but I feel that I’m being cut out of the loop. Invites to meetings go missing. Problems where I have particular expertise are handed off to others to solve. Do they know that my heart isn’t in it? How do I maintain the facade?

My moral compass is spinning. I want to be seen as a hard worker, a guy who’s willing to put the work in. Problem is, I don’t care too much for this company, I don’t have respect for (most of) its people and the way things get done.

Right now, I feel like the guy who’s sitting by the window, waiting for the first chance to get out.