Thinking About the Future

(Source: flickr.com via @Randall)

What this awful job has made me realize is that I’ve meandered for too long. While there have been creaking door openings for some ideal corporations, either I wasn’t quite the right person for them or that I just didn’t press my case as well as I could.

So, I’m annoyed that I can’t quite realize something that I’ve always wanted to do. A future where I’m just another guy with unfulfilled dreams looms large. That pains me because I’ve always felt that I could do something meaningful. Now, it’s looking more likely that I’ll just be ordinary. While that isn’t such a bad thing, wouldn’t it be nicer to make a big change, be a bit of a difference somehow?

Of course, time moves and sitting still won’t change things.


The Things I Miss

(Source: flickr.com via @401(K) 2012

This extended period of non-working gets me down because of a few things that I really miss.

I miss the commute. Being able to just plug in, listen to a treasured podcast, flick through some mail, and then arrive at the station to walk to the office was a precious amount of alone time that I no longer have.

I miss the banter. That inane stuff that people yak about because they want to burn time, spark a little creativity and to just find out what’s new from another human. Right now, I’ve got a toddler substituting for that and while he understands me perfectly, he talks in babbles.

I miss shopping. I miss this one most of all. Yes, as a household, we didn’t budget too tightly when I was working and we didn’t worry about buying this or that at a whim. Nothing too extravagant but an internal wishlist, always at the top of my head, could be retrieved within seconds. I can’t even think about that without that pang of longing.

I have learnt, however, that we are an all consuming society. Unable now to satisfy that need to just buy, buy, buy, I see how that programming is so unavoidable. We are told to buy this or that (and yes, I contributed to that machine). Yes, I crave for the ability to buy those things that I want, even though I’m not so sure about why I wanted them in the first place and that I have so many other things that do exactly the same thing, only they’re older.

Am I better for knowing this? I don’t know but I can’t wait to go shopping again.


Cheating Myself?

Source: flickr.com via @Steven Murray

Throughout this job hunt (and I don’t know if it’s common) I’ve tried not to mention to anyone who I’ve been interviewing with and whether I was feeling confident about the job, regardless of my real thoughts. The only role I’ve actually ever directly interviewed for in the last three weeks I actually thought was darn easy. So easy that I walked into that interview thinking that the job was mine, that I was actually part of the business already. I even mentioned to some people the name of the company and how they could see me working in that industry.

So, it came as an obliterating wheel of karma that my wife saw the job re-advertised today. Since then my head has that emptiness like I’ve been wailing all day. I’m drained and I wonder where I’ve gone wrong. The recruiter had mentioned that I was the most senior person that they were interviewing and I’m guessing that probably played some part in it. I feel that there were questions that I fumbled and maybe my over-confidence played too strongly.

Now I feel like I cheated – thinking that the job was mine and that I would just waltz into that place being a golden boy. While inside I’m hoping it’s some kind of administrative screw up that the job is up again, I feel that this option is closed and I needed to learn some humility.


My Last Day… Was A Month Ago

Source: flickr.com via @kermitfrosch

That last day zoomed by, a blur. Sure, my usual starting time was later than normal and the lunch hour did drag on for longer than sixty minutes. So, I left the team with scraps of unfinished insignificant things. Soon enough, I was out the door, carrying the usual set of gifts and my time in the office was over.

Since then, I’ve been hunting for jobs and finding networks where I can. On the whole, I’ve been balanced and maintaining a positive outlook. The work is clearly there to be done and really, I’m ready.