In the Hands of the Inevitable?

Source: flickr.com via @uk vintage

A lot has changed and there have been many moves that were not shared with me but did impact me. My two direct reports are no longer in my team and I heard the news not from people above but from the subordinates themselves. This is difficult in two ways: (1) that I wasn’t informed by senior people or even our own (useless) HR; and (2) that it likely points to my imminent departure from the business.

What irks me is the subterfuge taken to make these moves. If it was to happen, why couldn’t it be done from the top down or at least simultaneously? Can this place be any more badly managed?

Snakes

Source: Flickr.com via Yvan Lemeur

“Just because the snake hasn’t bitten you in a while doesn’t mean it’s no longer a snake”

I have a nemesis at work. Maybe that’s too strong a word. Call it a person with whom I just do not get along with and have a fundamental, core-of-my-soul, dislike and distrust of. He is deceitful and works on a level that is beyond untrustworthy. He goes out of his way to make things up to support his cause, even when the data suggests the contrary. He is a master of untruth and yet he remains in the business. Clearly, someone powerful likes him.

For me, I try to avoid contact with him but my function cannot escape us crossing paths. I can hardly contain my dislike for him and I come off as rude. This is a true test and I’m lost about what to do. I know that the solution lies in an emotional distance and seeing the circumstance and not the person. I know that there will always be people that I do not connect with personally and in a work situation, that takes second place to the job (well, mostly). It’s time to push through.

Sometimes I feel like this

Source: flickr.com via Mohd Al-Harbi

During times like this, I  pretend I walk around the building wearing this mask. Somehow the idea makes me feel stronger, impervious. No-one can tell what’s going on underneath – I’m a mystery. Is it a symbol of right against wrong? Of the victim fighting back against a big nasty world. That despite being alone, I have everything I need in secret.

Sometimes, we need to just believe.

It’s Expected of a Leader

Source: flickr.com via fisserman

I had my performance review today and it didn’t go as well as I hoped. Sure, I guess it was coming. I haven’t been putting in the effort and really signals the end of my commitment to this organization.

Where it hurts is that the constructive criticism was preceded by the term, “It’s expected of a leader…” Does that mean that they thought I should have done better? That they truly valued me and I was really highly regarded. Or is it merely a way to test my resolve to deliver to an undefined plan? Don’t worry about the direction, just make sure you consult every leader about what you think should be done so that change can happen, no matter what its form.

So, I’m angry at myself and frustrated at a business that requires so much hand-pressing, circulation to get buy in. I just feel that before I move, I need to smooth this over. Give my pound of flesh, just to demonstrate to them and me that I can be successful according to rules I don’t quite know, understand or believe in.

A Touch of the Crazies

Source: flickr.com via lonely radio

When I was in high school I used to wish that the accounting teacher would be sick on test day. I know it was wishful thinking but it meant not having to deal with what must’ve been one of the most boring subjects, but also avoiding the scrutiny that I always got from that class.

Well, the last two weeks felt like that. First, there was the employee redundancy. Thankfully, he took it sagely and with great maturity – better than I had expected. I admired his calmness but it also bothered me. So many questions arose.

• Would I have acted as well if it was me on the other end?
• What values did I have that would have held me through?
• Did this match with the kind of place that I worked for?
• Does the job really bring much in personal satisfaction?
• What the heck am I still doing here?

The spiral was quick and inescapable.

This was soon followed by the departure of a senior head – a former caretaker manager, stolen by a rival company with a transplanted Financial Director. Again, the same roiling thoughts:

• Why couldn’t it have been me?
• They are planning to steal me sometime, right?
• Oh, no. They’re not.
• Crap.
• Why am I still here?

After two weeks of madness, I knew I needed to break the spell. But where to go?

Another Heavy Discussion

So, tomorrow is a big day. Big because I have to tell someone that he no longer has a job. Adding to the big-ness is that he’s a good guy, outstanding at his job, keeps his nose clean, and makes my team look good just by his presence. The company is just looking to save money and this guy specializes in something that won’t be there next year. One guy, gone, just like that.

Of course, I feel guilt because maybe I just didn’t fight at all for his job. Maybe it’s because I just said yes to my superiors, like a good soldier. Now, I’m thinking about how my peers may look at my ineptitude, willing to let the machine take this guy down, my passivity. It doesn’t feel great and I guess no matter what I do, there will be a period of distrust and probably hatred.

This means that we will lose a mountain of knowledge and there is no way to retrieve it. He will leave with bitterness and I’ll have to deal with whatever comes. It isn’t a nice place to be and I’m lost about what to do next. I’ll lose a good colleague, his respect and that of others. Not a good place to be.

Here it is again.

 

When Waves Collide via Flickr (Andrew Castellano)

 

The crazy comes in waves. It creeps and creeps and before you know it, the job is not as stimulating as it once was. The desire doesn’t shine as bright and the ambition to achieve falls second to hacking and slashing an hour or two on Skyrim.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment that things tip, but the end result, the heavy mental effort to get through the day, the empty couldn’t-care-less attitude and the inevitable desire to just throw it in is nothing new. As I’ve said, predictable like waves. In the past, solving this malaise has always been about taking action, doing something to find the spark again. That means connecting with those things that have always kept me interested and finding a way to connect with them.

Crazy, like a wave.

Less Angry… Too Comfortable

From danperry via Flickr

Wow, nearly a year without posting. That can only mean some sense of satisfaction with work (true), being too busy and lacking time (also true) or feeling alright with the world (somewhat true).

I had always meant to use this as a way of venting – about how un-real the corporate world is and how we as people just roll with it, without really thinking much about what it all means. I wrote when work, the things I had to do and the people I had to deal with, was just washing over me and building that foreboding wave of dislike.

So, I am less angry about my position in the corporate world. I don’t have that burning ember of frustration saying, “To hell with it all.” In a way, this window of quiet is good. I am focussed on productivity, less on being passive aggressive. On the flipside, is it being too accepting? Too comfortable? Am I getting fat and comfortable?

Performance Management: It’s Your Job

Source: Flickr via Margolove

Earlier this year I had to do what is probably the toughest thing in my work life. I had to manage one of my directs out of his job because he just couldn’t do it.

So, it goes like this. Last year I had to hire someone for a managerial role running an ongoing research program. As chance would have it, a guy from another department had been made redundant but had a strong analytical background. We (my manager, his boss and me) thought we could take a chance on him – after all, analytical skills should carry across functions whether you’re counting widgets or understanding consumer sentiment, right?

Well, no.

While his differing perspective was refreshing at first, it didn’t take long to realize that he didn’t quite understand the fundamentals of his job. He was used to the black and white nature of measuring things like widgets and he failed to transfer this to measuring how a consumer feels.

The worst part was when he was scheduled to present to one of our regional offices. Charged with the responsibility of influencing their upcoming commercial plan, we thought it best to practice his presentation in front of us. After all, we would be tougher judges than the regional office would. That was when it hit. He was a dithering mess. He was unable to convey the basics of his job and lacked any sophistication or understanding in his delivery. After a couple of hours of practice, my boss decided that I was to go.

Soon after, he was tasked with compiling a few reports for publication to the broader Marketing team. Again, he failed. His draft was unintelligible, lacking any semblance of grammatical structure. This was the time when I had to start managing his performance. Everything had to be documented: the work I asked of him; the drafts he compiled; our exchange on his progress. In the end, he really wasn’t up to it. We eventually came to an agreement for him to leave and for us to promote his direct.

This was difficult because he had tried so hard and yet was never, ever going to succeed in this role. I saw his efforts but could never reward him for it. In the end, the Marketing Director said that it was my job to have the right people to deliver my part. If he wasn’t going to be a contributor, I would be worse for it. My job was to do my job – if my team drags me down, change the team.

This still bothers me today. I know he’s right but somehow it hurts when you make a decision about someone’s career.

Remembering Me

Source: Flickr.com via MaureenShaugnessy

During a working career of a little more than ten years, I’ve only recently come to wonder why it is that I do what I do. For the most part, I’ve been driven by knowledge – to learn more, to understand, to analyse. I’ve never been one to push my case, to become higher ranked, to be CEO. It has always been about analysis.

Today, as another project comes my team’s way, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m actually good at my job. Yes, I can dissect an issue. I can identify why things are the way they are. It’s just that in the business world, that is just a skill, a function. In the end, what changes am I leaving behind? What will I be remembered for?

The next year may be telling. I’m not comfortable. I don’t feel like I’ve got the best out of myself. I need to feel like I’ve done something and all I can think of are the words that my manager and the leadership team say amongst each other about my performance and how I could have been something.

It will be a telling year.